Thursday, October 13, 2011


The biggest thing holding me back right now is my neglect in conquering my fears.  If I had greater confidence in certain areas I think my life would be so much more fun and full of adventure.  One of my biggest fears is driving.  I only drove for one year before starting college and since then I have driven only on occasion and only out of necessity.  Overcoming this fear would inspire me to visit more places without public transportation and allow me to be a better road trip partner.  Why do I feel like I am writing a college essay right now?

Another one of my fears is homelessness.  I've had to move so many times in my life when I was unprepared to do so.  I've lost most of my keepsakes, my baby book, and letters from high school boyfriends/friends during moves.  In the last 3 years I have moved eight times.  Every time, friends and/or movers have flaked out and I have had to do almost everything on my own.  I have had a recurring dream for a couple of years now of being in an alley between two trash bins.  I'm sitting on the ground wearing a trash bag and it's raining.  Mostly, I blame this fear on my decision to attend law school in 2006.  Had I forseen that by 2011 the legal profession would be the #1 worst profession for obtaining a job I would not have mortgaged my future.  I am in constant fear of losing my job and becoming homeless.  So instead of traveling, I put money in my emergency fund. 

My biggest fear is that I will spend my whole life never being loved the way I have loved others.  When I broke up with my boyfriend over two years ago, my friend J said "Oh you'll find someone. You have so much love."  No one had ever said that to me before, but I realize now that my capacity to love other people is boundless.  I have loved so many people unconditionally in my life and continue to do so despite all the heartache and pain they have inflicted upon me.  I have forgiven the most heinous of betrayals and continued to love.  The love I've received is  fleeting whereas my love lasts a lifetime.  When I look at myself in the mirror I see a princess, but other people see a frog.  I'm terrified that only God will ever see the value of my virtue and that no one but God will ever truly love me.  I can practice driving and I can pay down my law school debt, but I have no clue how to conquer this one.

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